Deep frying one bad movie after another.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Going with the Crowd

Recently my comments about the Saw franchise seemed to touch a nerve with several people as well as a tweet piss contest over my opinions on the movie Trick R' Treat. It got me thinking that maybe I am not a mainstream horror fan. Sure I like classic movies that the horror masses enjoyed like Friday the 13th, Child's Play and Hellraiser. But I can't help but get the feeling that the current genre of "A" horror has gone over my head.

I recently watched two movies that Twitter has toted as the greatest movies of the year: Trick R' Treat and Paranormal Activity. I couldn't have cared less about the movies. Sure Trick R' Treat had a few good scenes but I was bored with a majority of the flick. Paranormal Activity reminds me too much of the commercial teasers for Ghosthunters on the SCI-FI Channel.

I am not sure what is going to happen to me with doing reviews of current "A" list horror, I mean there are a ton of great "B" Flicks from the past that can get reviewed but who wants to read reviews on movies that have been out for 25 years or more?


Let me know what you want me to write about. Do you want more rants on the current industry, retro movie reviews or a hybrid of the two. I enjoy writing and will write to you my audience.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead



As I have stated in the past if there is one thing I love more than zombies its zombie chickens. Wait I don’t think I’ve ever said that but after last night’s viewing of Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead I sure am saying it now.

After the first 15 minutes of this movie I must say I almost (ALMOST) hit eject and said screw Brutal as Hell I can’t watch this crap. Something about watching Jason Yachanin who is an almost dead ringer for Clay Akin get fingered by a corpse made me want to stop reviewing movies all together. I am glad I stuck around however, I had no idea going into this movie that it was a musical. I just thought it was going to be a cheesy spoof movie on Poltergeist and Night of the Living Dead. I was laughing so hard during this movie I had to take two hits off my inhaler from laughing so hard. This movie is by far the BEST movie Kaufman has ever made and were talking about the guy that helped with Orgasmo and the Toxic Avenger Series. But onto the flick:

Our story opens with our main characters Arbie and Wendy making love in an old Native American graveyard, with the promise being made that when Wendy leaves for college she won’t change and will always love Arbie. Flash forward six months Wendy returns from college a lesbian with a knack for protesting chicken restaurants and targets the one Arbie works at, along with is friends Paco Bell (A homosexual Mexican), Humus (A proud Muslim woman), and Carl Jr (Inbred animal lover) the group works for Denny (token Militant black guy) who dreams of opening his own chain of restaurants one day named Dennys. I know for a fact someone right now is reading this going your shitting me, but no these are our characters love it or not.
Unfortunately for everyone the restaurant is built on that same Native American burial ground and the restless Indian spirits have merged with the restless chicken spirits and have began an epic revolt that I’m not sure if even Bruce Campbell could stop. Several songs and dances later the customers who have either eaten the tainted chicken or been pecked to death by the other zombie chickens start attacking the fast food chicken shack. This leaves our hapless heroes to try and defend the place for Truth Justice and American Chicken Shack, sort of. Lord knows if I had a job making $3.15 an hour I would want to defend it too!

Eventually with the help of Paco Bell who is now a Gay Mexican Sloppy Jose sandwich (once again I’m not making this up) our remaining heroes find a way to stop the evil zombie chickens but will they have enough time? Your going to have to pick up the DVD to find out, and this DVD is worth it. Just make sure you get the TROMA DVD and not the Chinese bootleg. Kaufman has a 15 minute speech at the beginning of the DVD explaining what is wrong with the bootleg and why you should always buy the authentic DVD, this alone is worth the asking price of the movie.

I can’t really say this is a 5 star movie, can’t really say it’s a 4 star either. But if you want a great get inebriated (whatever your method hey I don’t judge) this is the flick for you.

Beware Trailer is Not Safe For Work. Nice Ron Jeremy Cameo too.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter a Review




JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER…..Jesus Christ.

I have reviewed some B-Movies in my day but this was the B-Movie. Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is the type of movie that makes you stand up and take notice of independent horror flicks and appreciate those movies that are diamonds in the rough. This really is not one of those movies. While this movie won several awards at film festivals it makes me wonder what the competition was.

The plot is pretty straight forward, there are day walking vampires in NYC and they are attacking and transforming all of the lesbians into vampires and there is only one hope for the lesbian population, that’s right Jesus H. Christ. The movie is basically horror, kung fu (I use that term very VERY loosely) and comedy. It has a lot of good ideas but the acting is just not there. It kind of reminds me of a high school drama club making a movie and getting it distributed. With a little bit of work on the acting and fighting choreography this could have been a great indie horror flick up there with Razor Blade Smile. This movie just tried too hard in my opinion to incorporate Jesus Christ Superstar and Blade. The comedic value of this movie is worth a watch though as watching Jesus fight 100 Atheists and Agnostics is just humorous as anything I’ve seen in a while. This movie has a lot of potential for anyone that likes camp and b-movies just beware the acting.

All in all I would give the movie a watch if you can get your hands on it just to laugh at it, I watched it on my online Netflix account so I didn’t get to see any part of the DVD and it killed a couple of hours of insomnia.

Another Email, Another Response

"Hey Zombie I can't help but notice all the Saw put downs, I like the movie why are you so against it?"


Wow an intelligent easy to read email. I would be more than glad to answer this question. Where to begin.


Wow an intelligent easy to read email. I would be more than glad to answer this question. Beginning to Where.


An intelligent easy to read email, Wow. I would be more than glad to answer this question. Where beginning to.


That my friends is why I hate Saw. Its the same stupid movie over and over again with a little change thrown in here and there. There is no point to the flick except to see splatter. Mindless splatter is GREAT, Mindless splatter with no point at $10.00 a ticket at a local theater is retarded. I love the movie Hatchet, I will forever promote the hell out that movie and it is just mindless kill after kill after kill with a little dash of a reasonable plot. Its also just a DVD that doesn't get a lot of press. Its not a movie that gets a yearly update shown in theaters to rake in millions of dollars.

I hate movies that are made just for money. I mean if you make a great flick and a ton of cash more power to you, but you should never make a movie hoping to get rich. The first rule of making a movie is to Entertain an Audience. Its not that hard to entertain a majority of people, but targeting the idiots that have to see every movie at the ciniplex with no taste in movies is just too easy. The creators of Saw and Michael Bay have done just that, throw feces on the wall if it sticks market the hell out of it, if not put it out anyways and say its the greatest movie since Citizen Kane.

I cannot stand garbage cinema, I know that is surprising since I love "B" movies so much but I know what I'm going to get from a Troma flick, I know what I am going to get from a Half Moon production. It may not be a masterpiece of CGI or have an unlimited budget but it has a story and a point. Saw had it in the first movie, but the almighty greenback got to everyone. Need proof, Saw II wasn't even originally the sequel, the name was changed and jigsaw thrown into it to capitalize on the first one. Make money off movies sure but don't insult the audience that enjoys film for what it is an art form.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Top 25 Movies

As mentioned in a previous post I think you can tell a lot from a person based off the types of movies they enjoy. For instance if I hear someone say that Transformers 2 is their favorite movie of all time, I know they are either a moron or 5 years old (or a moronic 5 year old). So without further ado here is my top 25 list of movies. Some will have an explanation some will not.


1. Dawn of the Dead (1978): There is a lot of nostalgia when it comes to this movie. This was the first horror movie I ever saw and I watched it with my hero and best friend my Dad. My dad was deployed a lot when I was younger but when he was home there was always one viewing of this movie. I have probably seen this movie 250 times at least and have made several pilgrimages to the Monroeville Mall where it was filmed. The film itself is great, it has all of the required elements of a late 70s horror flick. I also enjoy finding new gaffs in it every time I watch it.

2. Dr. Strangelove: Probably the greatest director of all time is Stanley Kubrick the man is a F'n genius. This is another movie that I have probably seen over 100 times and it gets better with each viewing. Peter Sellers is one of the most underrated actors of all times, even if he was out of his mind.

3. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan - This is what the first movie should have been like. The flick is full of great quotes, has a great plot and is filmed and scored probably better than any other science fiction flick out there. I have loved almost 85% of all the Star Trek movies, but this one just takes the cake.

4. Mister Roberts: Another flick I have seen dozens of times that still brings a tear to my eye and a smile on my face. It takes a lot for a film to affect me good or bad and this one never fails to give me some type of emotion.

5. Evil Dead 2: Another sequel on the list that is better in my opinion than the original. While many people like Army of Darkness, number 2 is my favorite of the series. This was Bruce Campbell before he was Bruce The Man Campbell.

6. IT: As I mentioned with Mister Roberts it is hard for a movie to affect me emotionally but this one goes one step forward and has given me multiple nightmares. I hate clowns and spiders, so imagine my shock and horror to discover the clown is a spider.

7. The Shawshank Redemption: Yes I agree with the critics on this one, it is a great flick. Morgan Freeman is at his finest moment in this role.

8. Stripes: Another flick I grew up watching with my dad. Stripes was the movie that introduced me to Bill Murray which has led me to a lot of other great roles.

9. Empire Records: I hate putting this so high on the list but its just a perfect teen flick, and came out about the time I was discovering my generations teen movies. The soundtrack and plot of this movie still gets my attention every single time.

10. Mallrats: Much like Star Trek II, this flick is an embodiment of my love for all things Kevin Smith. Mallrats was the first DVD I ever purchased as well as the only Laser Disc I have ever owned. The plot is easy to follow and it introduced me to Jason Mewes who has been an inspiration to me in my writings of horror stories. He is my little stoner.

11. The Beyond: An obscure horror movie I bought by mistake that quickly became either the precursor or follower to almost every viewing of Dawn of the Dead. The flick never fails to creep me out and make me glad that I don't have a basement.

12. The People Under the Stairs: One of those movies I have only seen a handful of times but has stuck with me for almost 15 years. This was also one of the first horror movies I saw in theaters, and while it has never scared me it has served as a reminder to always treat people in a good way, you never know if they have a basement of deformed children.

13. Nightmare City: My first experience with zombies other than Romeros. I couldn't understand why they were using weapons or running but hey it was something new. First real hardcore gore not by Savini that I witnessed, sure Savini can do a great dismemberment but this movie just had so much more gore to it that it has become a comparison tool for me ever since.

14. Return of the Living Dead 1 & 2: I cannot for the life of me EVER seperate these two films. I can't watch one without the other and I will not list them without the other.

15. Eight Heads in a Duffel Bag: This movie caught me off guard, I was dragged to see it and forced to watch it but I am glad that a friend of mine talked me into seeing it.

16. Boondock Saints: Another flick I was forced to watch and after viewing it bought on DVD and have had repeated views of. The flick has everything needed to be a classic and will now have a sequel.

17. The Dark Knight: This is probably one of the best comic book movies ever made. They can stop the series now, this movie is the king of the comics.

18. Monty Python's Life of Brian: Funnies movie Python ever did in my opinion though I am a little biased being named Brian. This is classic Python to me, while Holy Grail is the more popular, LOB is the better flick.

19. The Blues Brothers: This is one of those movies people either like or hate, I love it.

20. Winchester 73': Probably one of the greatest westerns I have ever watched. Something about the sibling rivalry in this movie and the gun tricks that just make love to watch it. Don't watch it often but it gets viewed about twice a year.

21. Heartbreak Ridge: The best Eastwood movie ever. EVER.

22. Full Metal Jacket: The mandatory military movie. This flick actually in my opinion has a better second half than a first half. Saddens me most people only watch the boot camp scenes then turn it off in Vietnam. The quotes from this movie have started to annoy me, but as long as folks are watching Kubrick I don't mind.

23. Harvey: I had to watch this for an English class and never returned the VHS tape to Blockbuster. I prefer the original to the remake but that is because Jimmy Stewart is the better actor. Who knew a story about a guy with an invisible rabbit friend would be such a great movie?

24. Scream: This is the movie that rebooted the entire slasher franchises. It also pointed out the rules for horror movies and made it popular to watch the classics again and again. Not that I care much about popularity but it is easier to discuss Prom Night without being hassled for watching old movies.

25. The Breakfast Club: Judd Nelson is the man, need I say anything else?

Who am I? An answer to a "fan" email

I recently received an email about my review of Dead Moon Rising. I will not bore everyone with posting it here. If you need an example visit any IMDB message board, it will be about the same context and difficulty to read (I will admit I am very poor in grammar but what I write is at least legible enough to read). This email did do one thing correctly and that is getting me to think about the last sentence which I will cut and paste:

"....who are u 2 said what flick good or as bad." Like I said I'm not posting the entire email because if you can imagine reading 5 paragraphs of run on sentences that look just like that, you could understand why I have such a headache.

But it is a good question, even if it is presented in a manner that resembles a toilet log. What gives me the right to say a movie sucks or is great? I am not a journalist, I am not a member of the screen actors/writers guild and other than the occasional promotional copy of movies in the mail I am not even that in touch with the right people in Hollywood, though I think my internet service provider has connections to Bollywood. After all that I still do not have an answer to the question, sure I could go the route of stating the fact that I pay for Netflix and my local video store or hell even mention the freedom of the press/speech that the United States Bill of Rights provides. That would be an easy out, but like my ex-wife always said I never do anything the easy way.

I am a movie reviewer. I am not a critic, I am not a blogger (yes I use a blog). I have been writing reviews for about 10 years. I have been watching the specific genre of Horror since I was 7 years old so I have 20 years experience watching good gory and brutal horror and have discovered over time what I like and what I do not like. I am not your average movie goer that goes to the theater once a week and sees the latest and greatest flick, I am that guy you see at your video store that goes through all the old movies looking for something original. I am the guy that has suffered through so many below "B" flicks hoping for a silver lining that I can quote the most obscurest of flicks on a whim.

For every 20 flicks I catch in a given month only a few get reviewed and the others are saved for a rainy day. I am not your average reviewer that writes about the latest movie out hoping to get views either, sure I reviewed Zombieland but zombies are my thing and any chance I get to write about them is a plus. I like to discuss obscure horror, I love the topic so much that one of my good buddies is @ObscureHorror on twitter (plug).

My knowledge of films has helped solve many a bar room bet and a week doesn't go by that I do not get a text message asking for a film recommendation. I don't know that if it gives me the right to bash a movie or not, but I sat through the flick and I should be able to give my opinion to anyone that wants to read or listen to it. The tagline for Southern Fried Horror used to read "Saving the common man from watching bad flicks, by watching it ourselves". I like that idea, if I can stop someone from watching a movie based on my opinion I feel I've done a good service but only if that person trusts my opinion. Later tonight I plan on releasing a top 25 list of my favorite films and explain why, this should let everyone know who I am, because I think you can tell a lot from a person based upon the type of movies they watch.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Press Release for Semi-Dead

New Horror-Comedy Web Series, “Semi-Dead,” puts a unique and twisted new spin on the zombie genre.


October 13th, 2009, Los Angeles, CA -- “Semi-Dead” the new horror-comedy web series from student Emmy award-winning writer/producer Chris Wiltz is set to make its debut online via Blip.tv on Oct. 28th 2009.

The series, completely independently produced, joins the ranks of other zombie-based horror web series, but with a unique twist on the characters and story world never before seen in the genre. This is a show of not only the crazy (and sometimes horrific) extremes two characters will go to in order to survive the zombie outbreak, but also what happens when modern technology (i.e Internet access) is thrown into the mix. Things are not what they seem, and the zombie outbreak won’t be what the characters or the audience first imagine it to be.

The key creative team consists of several young filmmakers (graduates of Chapman University in Orange, CA) whose work has garnered selections and numerous awards and festival accolades at prestigious festivals including the Student Emmy Awards, BAFTA, the DGA, and the Hollywood Film Festival.

The original score is composed by Andrea Chang (http://www.andreachangtube.com), a graduate of USC’s prestigious Scoring for Motion Pictures and Television program, who has scored numerous short and feature films as well as animation and video games.

The original theme song is created by Detroit CYDI (www.detroitcydi.com) one of the hottest, up and coming Hip-Hop groups in Detroit’s underground music scene. Their uniquely comedic lyrics and fresh production style are quickly earning them nationwide attention. Most recently they performed as part of the 2009 Vans Warp Tour.

Chris Wiltz is a fellow of USC’s Guy Hawks and Marvin Miller Screenwriting Program (the Cosby Fellowship) - founded by Bill Cosby. He is repped by Atchity Entertainment International (A.E.I Management). He can be contacted for any requests for interviews or other materials via email at: cwiltz@gmail.com or phone at: (310) 439-9574


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Monday, October 12, 2009

ZombieLand

As a precursor to this review it does contain some spoiler information, here are my guidelines on the matter

As with all my reviews I may at times give spoilers out on the flick. I try not to do things that ruin the entire flick such as saying who the killer in Scream is but my big thing is if your reading a review of a movie you want to know 4 things:

1. Should I avoid the flick altogether
2. Is it good enough to justifying only a bootleg view
3. Is it good enough to spend money in theaters
4. Is it good enough to spend money to buy the DVD




The answer to these questions when it comes to Zombieland is Yes to questions number 3 and 4. See this flick in theaters and buy it the day it comes out on DVD or Blu Ray. If you LIKE zombie flicks this is a good movie, if you LOVE zombie flicks this is one of the best movies to come out in probably the past 5 years.

Major Casting:
Jason Eisenberg - Columbus
Woody Harrelson - Tallahassee
Emma Stone - Wichita
Abagail Breslin - Little Rock

The plot of Zombieland is the adventure of Columbus and Tallahassee in the post zombie outbreak across the United States. Columbus has several rules he has created for surviving, however just because the two heroes are surviving doesn't mean they are living. It isn't until Columbus and Tallahassee run across the scam artists Wichita and her little sister Little Rock that their luck goes from bad to worse. Eventually as in all zombie flicks the two groups come together as they set out for California so Little Rock can visit an amusement park and Tallahassee can continue his search for Twinkies. Wichita and Columbus start the hints of a romance along the way setting up a neat little set up for the remainder of the flick.

My impression of that plot is ludicrous however after watching the flick it works, and it works REALLY well. Tallahassee's obsession with Twinkies is hysterical and the interaction between Tallahassee and Bill Murray is cinematic gold. Before this movie I could not stand Woody Harrelson but I have to really change my stance on it. The movie is 125 minutes long which is a bit long for a comedy horror flick but you do not really notice it going by, there is not a lot of action despite what the trailers for this movie show. If you think your going to see Resident Evil style fight scenes you are going to be disappointed, however when the fighting does start it is done very well.

This movie has a LOT of cheese in it and a fair amount of corniness but it plays really well. You can tell everyone that made this knew it wasn't going to be a masterpiece of cinematic history but it flows so well that I think they have at least when it comes to zombie horror. The makeup and special effects are really good, was not crazy about the running zombies but it was needed in this flick to help sell the final horror scenes.

I give it a 4 out 5 and it will be purchased as soon as it comes out on DVD.

Letting Nostalgia Dictate Taste

There is nothing more I hate more as a reviewer than to hear someone say I liked Director X's last movie so I'm going to love this movie. WRONG. Every movie is different, almost everything is different 90% of the time. Different camera operators, writers, actors and best boys (and you too Key Grips) these things are the heart of a movie. Yes the director puts the soul in a film but each film is different. If every film was the same everything would be Citizen Kane and Streetcar Named Desire.

Now I am not saying a director can't have a perfect score of good movies but even my favorites have their what the hell where you thinking flicks. Once again these are my opinions of flicks an if you read my last blog you know how far that goes but; Keven Smith had Jersey Girl, Romero has Diary of the Dead and George Lucas has the prequels and Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull. It goes to show that even the best directors are capable of making bad film choices. I think if Kill Bill vol 3 does get made we will lose Quinton from the perfect list.

Blindly wasting money for cinema is stupid, if you have that much cash to throw around send me a check I'll make sure it gets put to better use than buying Micheal Bay a new house. Film goers going to the movies due to a recognizable name is what is wrong with the film industry today. This is why there is a Saw VI with 3 more sequels to go. Fans go every October shell out 10 dollars a piece (plus the outrageous cost of snacks) to see the same crappy plot played out with a different twist in the last 22 minutes. I have not seen Saw VI but I can pretty much guess that Jigsaw will figure out a way to come back to life, kidnap some people that are connected (they won't realize it in the beginning) and in the end will mysteriously either vanish or die again. The man had an autopsy done and still got up from the table, either he is Hardcore (E-C-Dub) or the writers are smoking some very very potent doobage. Either way the franchise is garbage but as I have said before is paying the bills at Lionsgate.

So what can we as film goers do? Unfortunately nothing even movies that debut directors would normally get are being sucked up by the leeches that are out to make a buck (Avatar is being directed by M. Knight? Come the Fuck On). The real challenge for us as film goers are to back the independent flicks, I was excited to see the response the South by Southwest film festival received, and flicks like Paranormal Activity received an outcry of fan support to get a nationwide release. After watching the advance copy I got the film itself did not impress me very much, however the fact that an original flick is getting released in a land of remakes and retellings has.

Enough ranting from me, I'm curious what everyone else thinks. Please leave your comments good or bad. They are greatly welcomed. Keep a look out for my Zombieland review sometime tonight. I'll try to leave out the Saw references in, I said I'd TRY.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Responsibility of the Movie Reviewer

As a movie reviewer I have a great responsibility (even if its one I gave myself). My responsibility is not what some of my colleagues think it is telling you what to see and what not to see. My job is to tell you what you should/can expect in seeing a movie.

Example being, if I really do not like a movie I am going to tell you the movie sucks and is a waste of your time to see. I may on occasion such as my review of Dead Moon Rising make a funny comment to hit home the fact the movie is garbage. But that doesn't mean you should solely take my opinion on the matter as the voice of God (if you do I will tell you where you can send your check for my ministry). Too many times people do not see a movie because Rodger Ebert says its garbage. True he has been right a few times but I do not like the same movies he does, I found Super Troopers incredibly funny but I never would have seen it had I listened solely to him on the matter.

My suggestion on looking for a movie review is too look at the archive sections on their websites. If you see a movie you liked read the review see if you agree, if the person has done several reviews of movies you have seen check those too. Once you have found a critic that shares tastes then yes if he or she comes out and says a movie is garbage take the advice with LESS question, but please keep the question in your mind.

I personally go through changes in what I like in movies, yes the focus remains on horror but as I watch more and more movies I pick things up on it. As an example if you had asked me in the mid 90s what I thought of Killer Klowns From Outer Space I would have told you it was a garbage flick based on the fact the only "comedy" I liked in horror was 1 liners from Bruce Campbell and Freddy Kruger. But now that I have seen movies such as Shaun of the Dead and have revisited Killer Klowns I see the goodness of the movie. Does this mean every pile of garbage from my youth is now a treasure, no just like there are several films from my youth that were awesome then I can't stand now (looking at you Howard the Duck).

So once again I point out please make up your OWN mind on whether a movie is good or garbage. I will still make reviews and give you my opinion on the movies I have watched. I welcome yours below.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Slow vs. Fast The Great Zombie Debate

Eventually this blog topic was bound to occur. Best to get it out of the way now and leave the remaining topics a surprise to you my most beloved and loyal readers (all 6 of you).

Always a topic of debate amongst lovers of horror (probably argued as much as remake vs. Original) is the slow zombies versus fast zombies debate. While I won't give George Romero complete credit for starting the zombie genre he will be the basis of my slow zombie argument. I am a huge zombie fan and I will try to be as non-bias as possible in this debate. My personal preference is slow zombie but as I said I will do the best I can to be non-bias.

First up: Slow Zombies


Why they are scary:
Slow zombies are scary because no matter how fast you run or how well you hide your going to get caught and eaten. The same principle goes for the original Michael Myers and Jason characters (Jason being a sort of Zombie in his own right). Slow moving zombies are hell bent on one thing, killing and eating the victim. This does have rare exceptions like in Return of the Living Dead where the slow zombies talk and still have a degree of intelligence (opening doors, using radios to call for more food ect...)

Why they are not scary: Slow zombies survive off dumb luck and dumber victims. A look at any Romero picture always has that one shot of a zombie doing something out of instinct that enables the zombie horde to get to the victims. Hardly ever does the horde break down the door and eat everyone inside. Instead luck plays a large role in it, whether it a biker gang moving the trucks so the zombies get into the mall or the instinct principle that leads a zombie to stick a gas pump into a limo and throw in a zippo. As far as the dumb victim scenario it is never going to fail in a zombie flick (fast or slow) that one of the main characters is going to get bit and hide the fact until all of the other dumb victims get trapped with him or her. Sometimes the victims are smart enough to kill the friend in time (Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead) but most of the time it ends badly like Night of the Living Dead.


Secondly: Fast Moving Zombies


Why they are scary: The fast moving zombie is scary just because they move at inhuman speed due to the zombie not suffering from muscle fatigue or feeling the pain of a torn muscle. These are highly intelligent zombies capable of working as a team to get to the goal. Whether it be the zombies from the remakes of Dawn of the Dead to the infected Resident Evil all the way to the patriarch 28 Days/Weeks zombies, they are all bad ass killing machines that want nothing more than to kill every living thing on the planet.

Why they are not scary:
In my opinion (I'm still trying to be unbiased) Fast moving zombies are not scary because they have every strength and other than a head shot none of the weaknesses of the living human race. One only has to look to the opening of the remake of Dawn of the Dead to realize that the moment of death an infected human jumps to their feet and becomes a killing machine capable of running a mile in two minutes and will stop at nothing to bite and kill. That is sort of scary but many of the fast moving zombie films it is just that a kill, there is none of the gore that accompanies a zombie gang attack on a person. Nightmare City being an exception to this rule. In the zombie genre gore is an almost requirement and right of passage. Imagine what Day of the Dead would look like without the scenes where heads and torsos are ripped into, you don't have to imagine very hard pop in Day of the Dead's remake, the gore is almost non existent due to the desire to get a good rating from the MPAA.

As I stated earlier I have to go with Slow Zombies in this debate. While both are mindless killing machines the fact that slow zombies accomplish the same goal without breaking most known laws of physics and is more probably wins the debate at least in my mind. But have I done anything to put an end to the debate for the masses? Nope, nor would I ever even want too. I want the debate to continue it is a source of entertainment amongst most zombie fans. As long as the debate continues tinsel town will take notice and give us 3 or 4 zombie flicks a year. Great zombie movies such as Severed will be made that makes everyone take notice of a genre that is pretty much the black sheep of the horror community.

However, this is just the opinion of one movie fan, who is fired up and in love with a genre of movies that has always seemed to click with him and the rest of the audience. I would appreciate any comments anyone has, please don't let this be a one sided debate on fast vs slow. You've taken the time to read my rant, let me enjoy yours now.

Commentary on the Horror Genre

With the release of Trick R' Treat and Paranormal Activity coming out nation-wide (maybe) it made me start thinking about why two great looking films have such a hard time getting distributed when garbage such as the Saw franchise, Quarantine [REC ripoff] and going back just a bit to when The Ring and Feardotcom were released. I think I have come to a conclusion and I think that there are two people to blame.

The first is the mindless drones that go to the movies every weekend and don't really know what real horror is are the ones paying for it. I am sorry but Saw is not horror, its the same movie over and over again. I would say quit wasting 9 bucks every Friday night just so Lionsgate can make a few more millions, but since they do produce many of my favorite low budget straight to DVD flicks, please continue but only on one condition. Stop saying Saw is the scariest movie you have ever seen. Please educate yourself some before you base an opinion of what scary is or isn't.

The second group is the "I wont see a foreign flick but I'll shill out for an Americanized version". The Ring was great when it was Ringu, Quarantine was great as REC and even though it hasn't even been filmed yet and I'm sure it will sell millions at the box office Fish Head was better as Let the Right One In.

On the same note please for the love of God, quit wasting money on remakes that have to pass the MPA boards. The gore is watered down, the acting is not the same and the spark of imagination is gone. We know what happens and it was better the first time. If Hollywood stops seeing revenue they will move on to another way of making money.

Does this mean all remakes are bad? No, I frankly did not care for the Halloween or the Texas Chain Saw Massacre remakes but others discovered the past movies. Does this contradict the second point I made? A little, I will admit but to not bother to see a foreign flick because of subtitles is a shame, hell if you have to use the English dub version its not my cup of tea but it will open your eyese up to what horror should be.

Blood, Guts and Gore are not the only reasons for horror to be edgy. Yes Jason butchers people in bloody ways and yes Leatherface saws off limbs with his trusty chainsaw; but the real beauty is how it is done. American horror has forgotten how to be original and creepy. Psycho still stands out today as one of the greatest horror movies in my mind and the only blood and gore that stands out in my mind is the chocolate syrup going down the drain.

American Horror can be original and still score at the box office, check out Vacancy (which opened at number 4 and grossed 7.6 million) or even Jeepers Creepers (which grossed 34 million in its entire run) these were original ideas and they made money. Hollywood needs to stop green lighting remakes and pump money into originality. I shudder to think of what the next 20 years will bring us in America Cinema. Already green lighted is remake (of a remake) of Romero's Night of the Living Dead, as if remakes hadn't already killed the franchise. The only real remake that excites me now is the renewal of the Nightmare on Elm Street but I'm not holding my breath here either.

Please I welcome comments even hate mail. Reviews are reviews and hell I should know I am a reviewer.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Hatchet



This movie has not only Jason and Freddy but The Candyman! Dubbed with its original title Hatchet: Old School American Horror; this movie lives up to everything you would think good horror should have in it. This movie has gore, plot, cheesy dialogue and Kane Freaking Hodder killing everyone the way Jason Voorhees always should have, including Englund.

The movies main plot focuses in on Joel Moore’s character Ben who is in New Orleans during Mardi Gras after his friends drag him there to forget about a girl he dated for the past 8 years. You would think that just by watching the opening scenes of the typical view of New Orleans that all of the bare breasts and flowing alcohol it would be easy to forget about your problems, but Ben reminds me a lot of myself in New Orleans in wanting to get away from the party and get with the spooky. He and his friend Marcus hire out a swamp tour and go deep into the woods that are supposedly haunted by the deranged and deformed Victor “Hatchet” Crowley. Like in any good horror movie the boat breaks down and the fun begins. We find out that not everything is as it seems as Tamara Feldman’s character is looking for her father (Englund) and brother who went gator hunting three days earlier. Other tourists on the tour include a sleazy Girls Gone Wild director and two bickering bimbos with some pretty nice tits and they show them almost every twenty minutes in case you forget what breasts look like. Rounding out the troop is the tour director and a couple of older people (both of them were in Office Space) who just may be mentally retarded but I wouldn’t want to Jump to Conclusions.

This movie kicks some major ass as far as special effects. The make-up affects on Hodder make him even more menacing than an unmasked Voorhees and the dismemberments, impalements, decapitations and all the other little goodies are a much needed addition to the stale hack slash genre. The DVD is also LOADED with goodies, ranging from outtakes, deleted scenes, making of, commentaries with cast and crew and an onset clip of Englund, Todd and Hodder standing side by side.

I ended up renting this from my local Movies and More store however it is definitely being purchased I suggest you do the same.

Fido

































You know what I wish someone could combine the aspects of Lassie, Pleasantville and Night of the Living Dead; I think it would be a great movie, which brings me to this week’s review Fido.
From director Andrew Currie the movie Fido is one of the best movies I have watched in a long time. I scoffed at the idea, when it was presented to me by my local video store clerk. Imagine if you will there was a great zombie outbreak in the 1950s which was only stopped by the corporation of Zomcon and their brilliant idea to put up huge fences around towns and the introduction of the zombie collars which curtail the zombies from wanting to eat human flesh and allows them to become the perfect slave laborers.

The story itself revolves around the Robinson family, who are the only family according to Mrs. Robinson who do not own a zombie, this is mostly due to the fact that Mr. Robinson had to shoot his father during the great zombie war. However when new neighbors (who just so happens to be the head of Zomcom’s Security) move in Mrs. Robinson gets the family a zombie so they do not look like outcasts. Timmy Robinson in an obvious homage to Lassie soon falls into a loving relationship with the zombie and names him Fido because everything needs a name and because he plays fetch. Timmy is a bit of an outcast not only at school but everywhere else he goes. He is constantly being attacked by bullies even the old lady across the street picks on him. It isn’t until Fido sticks up for him does he even begin to believe in himself. Eventually in a zombie movie you have to get to flesh eating, and it comes in when our hero zombie Fido is attacked by a little old lady in the park, which turns off his collar and allows him to start killing. The interesting thing with Fido is he loves the Robinson family, enough so that when his collar is off he can’t bring himself to attack them. The love is also in a sick way is returned by Mrs. Robinson as she grows tired of her coward of a husband and starts to love Fido.

The casting in this movie is great. Carrie Anne Moss, yes Trinity from The Matrix is Mrs. Robinson (and yes Mrs. Robinson can seduce me anytime she pleases) and Billy Connolly who played the Deuce in Boondock Saints plays the title zombie of Fido really get into their roles and you forget that it is someone playing a part. You really will believe this is a 1950s society surrounded by wild lands full of flesh eating zombies.

The DVD is full of deleted scenes, an alternate opening, as well as plenty of photo albums of how they did all of the make-up effects for Fido and last but not least a bloopers section that was at times funnier than the movie. The asking price for the DVD will normally run you around $10.00 which is well worth the purchase.

Dead Moon Rising






















For the love of God, low budget horror movies are going to be the death of me.

Dead Moon Rising is by far one of the worst filmed, acted, special effects movie I have seen in a LONG time. This movie appears to be shot on a Sony Handicam is shaky as hell and I do believe it was not done on purpose ala Cloverfield, Blair Witch or most porn. This movie does not deserve a review as I do not wish to even remember a second of it, it is not worth my time nor is it worth your time to rent it.

I have however decided to give this a full review so maybe an aspiring film writer who reads reviews here can get an idea of what NOT to do. The plot of the film revolves around three slackers at a local car rental company that do not realize the world is being invaded by zombies until it arrives in Louisville Kentucky. The three are average movie characters stereotypes which since they only say the characters names once in the flick and I will be damned if I’m going to go back and what to find out these moron’s character names I will for the remainder of the review refer to them as:

1. Cranky old guy that hates everyone; especially the Want-To-Be

2. The Want-To-Be: This guy wants to be a Vegetarian, Manager in Training, EVERYTHING must be done by the book (personally I think that is where his lines are kept as he doesn’t speak unless he has the book in his hand or is off camera).

3. The Main Character/Narrator /Douche bag: Guy that keeps the plot going with crappy one liners and endless back-story after back-story antidotes.

. I know this is a very weak sounding explanation of the plot, but the movie is so hard to follow. It is just running from scene to scene getting in a zombie fight, people dying and then the survivors run off to another area with a bunch of flash back scenes thrown in. This is typical in almost any low budget horror flick but this movie just does it really badly. Anyways our plot circles around our merry little morons run around (Until Want-To-Be dies) the Louisville area being chased by zombies picking up people left and right and stealing scenes directly from other zombie movies and cut scenes from several different first/third person shooter video games. It seemed that extras were in no short demand as this movie is predictable in the fact that if they meet a new group of people the old group is doomed, this movie gains characters as fast as they lose them. A lot of the action is mainly beat down splatters which is explained by our hero who refuses to use a gun as when he was a child he shot a girl at a birthday party, which is really strange since the poster for the flick displays him with a Gatlin Gun! The only real guns used in the flick are by the police officer and the Cranky Old Guy who never seem to reload or run out of bullets

This is a garbage flick that has ZERO saving grace. If you find yourself with an opportunity to watch Dead Moon Rising or getting laser eye surgery in a moving dune buggy go with the second option. This movie just tries too hard to be funny, scary and ironic which in internet lingo equates to EPIC FAIL. Now if you will excuse me I’m off to burn a DVD and I don’t mean copy one.

Children Shouldn't Play WIth Dead Things












I wonder if Bob Clark ever looked back on his career after making movies such as A Christmas Story and the first two Porky’s movies on the horror movie Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things, or as it was later called Revenge of the Living Dead. This movie has a very good concept; however the lack of special effects and the horrible acting make this a movie that should have been called Nobody Should Watch This Movie. The main gripe and complaint that I have with this “Zombie” movie is the overall lack of zombies. The movie has a total run time of over 87 minutes and it isn’t until the 63 minute mark do we even get our first twitch of an undead finger and it is another 10 minute before the first actual death of the movie. That’s right an 87 minute movie about the undead and we get a grand total of 14 minutes of carnage by what appears to be 15 slow moving hulking zombies that for some reason have more intelligence than the entire crew of this movie.

The plot however is fair and would probably be much better if they explained a little more. It revolves around a troop of actors who have come for whatever reason to island where Miami buries its poor and criminals to try and resurrect the dead. The main character played by Alan Ormsby who helped co-write this film plays the director of the group as well as the warlock who is trying to raise the dead. Now what a stage director needs a pack of zombie servants for is anyone’s guess, God knows it was never explained in the movie. Once again if the plot had been worked on and they spent less time going over the same dialogue over and over again and of course added more than 14 minutes of zombies this movie probably would be a cult classic ranking up there with The Beyond and dare I say Day of the Dead.

This movie is poorly written and it appears it may have actually all been done over a weekend with no real thought to character creation. Every actor or actress in the movie plays an actor or actress with the same exact name everyone except the character of Terry who is played by Jane Daly. The only real acting it appears was by Anya who plays an individual who keeps warning everyone to treat the dead with respect and the main zombie character Orville Dunworth who is played by Seth Sklarey who for the most part plays a corpse in the graveyard and later in the house who never moves until the last 20 seconds of the movie. His lack of movement for over 84 minutes of the film is by far the greatest “acting” in the film. Some may say he is played by a dummy, but I doubt there was enough money in the budget for one.

Bottom line this movie is horrible and should have never been made, much less released to DVD where unsuspecting zombie fans might purchase it like I did. There is absolutely no saving grace to the film it has no camp value and is a waste of time. The DVD also lacks any features other than pictures from on set, a trailer (which actually makes this look like a good movie) and bios of Alan Ormsby and Bob Clark which talk more about them making Porky’s and Porky’s The Day After. Bottom line if you want to see all of the carnage in this movie has to offer without wasting your time watching the film watch the trailer below, it is 100% better than the actual film.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MR-qZPhDazk

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I am 28 years old and will watch anything at least once. Love to review bad movies to prevent others from suffering.